Fear and Fatherhood

Wesley
Sep 21, 2021
2 min read

Hello Everyone,

From the moment I got the news I was to be a dad, I counted the days until the 26th week of pregnancy. My understanding was that 26 weeks was the earliest that the munchkin could be born premature and still have a shot at making it.

After the 26th week came and went, I counted the days until the due date. She would be safer after birth, I thought, because we could potentially do something if an issue came up. Not much you can do if there is a problem before birth.

Then the due date came and went with no appearance by the munchkin, and I started counting up instead of down. It was fine for a few days, but before long, every extra day meant increased danger, in my mind at least.

When the day finally came, I watched the fetal heartrate monitor for hours and hours, tracking dips and spikes, while sitting in the hospital during a very long labour.

After she was born, I recorded the munchkin's weight in an app to make sure she was gaining at a healthy rate. The numbers gave me something I could measure, and focus my worry on. But not everything was measurable.

In the first few weeks especially, but for months afterwards, if the munchkin was too quiet for too long while she slept, I would sneak in and check on her to make sure she hadn’t stopped breathing or otherwise spontaneously died. There’s not really a number that goes with that.

Any previous thought I had that I could worry less once she was born dissolved as I now have a raft of things to worry about, new ones arriving just as she ages out of old ones, like onesies. I no longer worry about her in her sleep, but I fear her falling down the stairs or pulling something down on top of her. She puts everything in her mouth, so I worry about that as well.

I don’t want fear to be the defining emotion of parenthood for me, but ironically, I fear letting go of it. Fear keeps me sharp.

Changing diapers, adjusting sleep schedules, those kinds of skills are easy to pick up. Letting go of the clutches of worry and trusting that your kid will be okay - that is the hardest skill I've had to learn.

Wes

Photos

I've posted a lot of pictures of flowers here, but I also take pictures of the random insects I come across in my adventures. Thought I would showcase a few here.