A Beginner's Guide to Rock Climbing

Hello Everyone,

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been going rock climbing over in Gatineau with a friend from work. In case you might be curious to take up this fun sport, I've included a helpful guide below to get you started.

Step one: Be 6'4''. Also helpful if you have a 22 inch waist and the wingspan of an albatross.

Step two: Ignore a million years of evolution telling you that falling is bad. Sweaty palms are just going to make it worse, you big baby.

Step three: Stick your nose in a bag of loose chalk and inhale. This will save you time. You'll be breathing in a lung full of it anyway, might as well do it all at once.

Step four: If you've ever wanted to start a life of burglary, now is the time as you will be wearing off your fingerprints.

Step five: Stuff your feet into shoes designed for a 12 year old ballerina.

Step six A: If male, grow a beard. Not sure how this helps you get up the wall, but a solid 90% of dudes in the climbing gym rock the facial hair. (Note: this is literally the only part of climbing I do well. But man, do I.)

Step six B: If female, wear yoga pants. You might think: "Hey, maybe I could wear shorts." No, you can't. I don't know why, but there must be a rule because 100% of the ladies in the gym wear yoga pants. (Note: my definition of yoga pants might be a little broad. It includes colourful tights.)

Step seven: Wear a t-shirt advertising your participation in either a rock climbing event, or some other outdoorsy sport. Acceptable categories include mountain biking, kayaking, paddle boarding, and trail running.

Step eight: Your forearms will be dead by about 25 minutes in, and your hands will be gnarled, throbbing masses, so having keyless entry to your car will be handy. And self-driving capability to get you home.

Step nine: learn basic circus contortionist moves, only instead of putting your foot over your shoulder while safely on the ground, you'll be doing in 10 feet in the air, while holding on by your fingertips.

Step ten: Declare a route impossible, only to watch some wispy 120 pound dude scale it in 3 seconds without breaking a sweat. Immediately forget which holds he used.

Step eleven: Repeat step ten, only with a lady whose wingspan is roughly half of yours.

Step twelve: become irrationally attached to a particular rope. Have 'a favourite'.

#Adventures #List